my family is my thanksgiving.

last year on thanksgiving my dad said a prayer before dinner as Sara, Michael, Will, and i stood around my mom. i didn't think she could hear us because she was so far gone, but when my dad said Amen, she opened her eyes just a little bit, smiled, and said "that was very nice."
i'll never forget that moment.

this year on thanksgiving my dad said a prayer before dinner as Michael, my Grandma, Will, and i stood around the table. there was silence as my dad gathered up the words he wanted to say to us, to God, and to my mom. this time, i knew without a doubt that she could hear us because i felt her there when he thanked the Lord for giving all of us the strength to go on without her.

it was in that moment that the last year of my life went flying by me and i was back with my mom again. it's hard to believe that is has been a year now. my struggle is that i get stuck in the past and i can't just leave it be. in my thoughts, i cannot seem to leave the comfort and familiarity of being with my mom, to face what is happening in my life right now. it was hard for me to accept the changes that happened this thanksgiving because all i really wanted was for everything to go back to the way it was before. i needed to feel like nothing had changed, even though our whole worlds have changed. i knew that, but i still struggled to come to terms with the fact that life would never again be like last year, no matter how hard i tried to put it all back together, like the way it was then. i was so thankful for my dad, especially this weekend, because he was the strength that i needed when i got stuck in the past. he was my reminder that if he could do it, then i could too. i was so thankful that my Grandma came here to be with all of us. we needed her and she kept us all together that thanksgiving night.

this year on the anniversary of my mother's death, i learned that i needed to stop trying to hold everyone in place so that nothing ever changes, and no one ever forgets.
i learned that i needed to embrace the family that surrounds me now, the ones that have been there all along - my husband, my dad, my brother, my sister & her fiance(!), and my little nephew.



my family is my thanksgiving.

i carry your heart. i carry it in my heart.