we are home.
it's amazing. i am so happy to have Audrey with us. last week was such a roller coaster of events, emotions, and it truly tested my strength as a new mom. i am so lucky to have the most amazing husband who pulled me through some of the darker moments and took care of his family when i felt like giving up. thank you to all of our family and friends who were rooting for us, praying for Audrey's health, and loving us from far away. i'm so sorry if you called and i wasn't available or wasn't up to talking. i hope you can understand how overwhelming it was for Will and i to have so many obstacles to overcome in such a short period of time. we were also wrapped up in meetings with the NICU doctors, the hospital staff taking care of me, and spending as much time down in NICU with our little girl. some nights i would wake up at 3 am just to walk downstairs to the NICU nursery and sit and stare at Audrey, praying over her while she slept. i tried to keep everyone as updated as possible but now that i have a few minutes (Audrey is asleep) i wanted to share our story...
Monday night Will and I headed to the hospital to start the induction process. I slept pretty well the first night, only waking up with my nurse would come in to give me my doses of Cytotec, a medicine used to help get my cervix ready for labor.
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| excited parents to be on monday night (note: i'm smiling so this is before any contractions started!) |
The next morning they started Pitocin, which causes contractions. At the time, I was only dilated 1 cm. We were hoping the Pitocin would help me dilate more. I won't go into the details, but let me say that forcing contractions when my body wasn't ready or willing to cooperate was extremely painful. I wasn't allowed to walk around but in the afternoon, my nurse let me sit on a labor ball and work through the pain without medicine. By the end of the day, I had still not dilated past 1 cm and I was exhausted. It was so frustrating to go through hours and hours of intense contractions, only to not make any progress. They stopped the Pitocin and let me take a shower and eat dinner. Will and I walked around a little bit and even visited the nursery, hoping to find some motivation in seeing all of the new babies.
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| Tuesday afternoon, hanging in there! |
They started another round of Cytotec around 10 pm. I fell asleep for 30 minutes and woke up in excruciating pain. I couldn't move or talk. The nurse gave me pain medicine through my IV and I was able to relax for an hour before things got bad. I tried to work through the contractions on the labor ball again, trying to avoid an epidural. Around 2 am, my nurse checked me and I was still at 1 cm. My doctor ordered an epidural, in hopes that it would help me relax so I could progress more. I slept for a couple hours and when they checked me again Wednesday morning, I was only at 2 cm. They went ahead and broke my water and started Pitocin, again hoping it would help me progress. Even with an epidural, the pain and pressure were unbelievable. A little after noon, I started feeling sick and flushed. I was watching Audrey's heart rate on the monitor and noticed that it had gone from 130-140 bpm to 180-190 bpm, sometimes jumping to almost 200 bpm. I called my Aunt Debbie over to look and see if she thought we should be concerned. Just as soon as we were about to call the nurse, she came in to check on me. She took my temperature and it came back at 101.8. They called the doctor and she told me that they needed to do a c-section immediately. Baby was in distress and my body was starting to shut down. All of a sudden, things started happening quickly. There were people in and out of my room, asking me questions, getting things ready, and rushing around. I was prepped and out of my room in under 3 minutes.
Will and I were terrified. I felt so sick they had to give me oxygen and put cold washcloths all over my face and neck. He grabbed my hand and all of a sudden it hit me, after months and months of dreaming about what it would be like to finally meet this little person that moment was finally here. I remember I kept saying, "This is so strange. This is happening right now isn't it?" And then, it happened. A strange pressure and the doctor saying, "Look at all that hair. She is beautiful!" I asked Will if she looked like an Audrey and he said, "Yes. She is so beautiful Lindsey." Our Audrey was born at 1:38 pm, weighing 6 lbs. 11oz. and 17 3/4 inches in length.
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| first breath |
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| welcome to the world little girl |
Then, people saying that she wasn't breathing well, she had a fever, her skin was really pale, they needed to take her to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Will held her next to my head and I kissed her little cheek before they took her away.
Then, I crashed. I was freezing cold, started shaking uncontrollably, and started to pass out. They piled 8 hot blankets on top of me and gave me a shot to stop the shaking. I was wheeled back to recovery and treated for 2 hours until all of my vitals were normal. While I was there, there was a woman on the other side of the room who had also just had a c-section. Her husband was there with her and she got to hold her baby. They wouldn't let Will come back to see me and my baby was sick and in the NICU. I was hysterical. I begged for them to please let me see her but they said it wasn't standard to be taken to NICU until 6-7 hours after surgery. After some negotiating they agreed to wheel my bed next to Audrey's bed so I could see her just for a minute. I was so happy that she was being taken care of but so sad that the first moments of her life were being spent hooked up to tubes, wires, and machines.
The nurse took me up to my postpartum suite so I could rest. All I wanted to do was go back down and see Audrey. every time a nurse would come in to check my vitals and incision, I would ask if I could go and see her yet. When it was finally time, Will took me down in a wheelchair and I held my daughter for the first time. It was amazing.
The doctor said that she had fluid in her lungs because they were underdeveloped (since I delivered at 36 weeks, 3 days pregnant) and needed a cannula in to help her get oxygen, she had a fever most likely because I spiked such a high fever so fast, and had an infection of some kind. They told us that further testing would hopefully allow them to treat the infection and figure out how bad it was. They also put in a feeding tube (which she promptly ripped out the next day) because her suckling and feeding reflexes were also underdeveloped.
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| notice the red marks on her cheek from where the feeding tube and tape used to be before she ripped it out! so feisty! |
After the first night of sleep, I spent every moment possible in the NICU with Audrey. Even if I couldn't hold her, I just wanted to be there and make sure she was okay. I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't resting like I should have been. Adrenaline and fear fueled me through the next five days of uncertainty. When she hit a small milestone such as getting her cannula out and breathing on her own we celebrated, when there were setbacks such as having an IV put in her head we cried for our tiny girl.
When the nurse was rude to Will and me, and aggressive and rough handling Audrey. The breaking point was when blew the IV line in her head. Her forehead and right side of her face were swollen and she was crying hysterically. I had to walk out of the NICU and into the hallway. I just sobbed and sobbed. That was the lowest of lows. A stranger passing by headed into the NICU hugged me and said she understood my sadness. Her baby had been there since June. Will requested to speak to the head doctor. He was angry, and rightfully so. No one was telling us what was going on with our child. It seemed like to get any answers, we had to just keep asking and asking until someone finally paid attention to us. They were drawing blood, poking her, sticking her, and running test after test on a daily basis but no one would tell us why and what kind of results they were getting from these tests. Will had the doctor tell us when we could expect to know what their plan for course of treatment was and what was the cut off time and date for deciding if we would be able to take her home, since she told us that they still didn't know what was wrong with her. They had told us anywhere from 4-7 days, maybe longer. She said they would decide no later than Sunday morning. I had kept my composure for most of the meeting, letting Will do the talking until I decided to speak up and let the doctor know that her current nurse would not lay another finger on my daughter. The nurse was reassigned to a different room and make it obvious her feelings for me and my complaint. I was holding Audrey trying to soothe her while she was stomping around the room slamming drawers and muttering under her breath. I was disappointed in how unprofessionally we had been treated so far. Then, came Cheryl. She was Audrey's night time nurse almost every night we were there. Cheryl immediate took to Audrey, as well as Will and me. She worked with us to make changes in Audrey's treatment such as changing her feeding schedule to ad lib on demand feeding instead of the every 3 hour schedule that they had her on. They were also feeding her a high calorie formula, which was making her really sick. They then put her on more IV fluids to supplement her diet. Cheryl and the lactation consultant worked with me to start her on a breast milk diet through latching techniques and pumping. As soon as my milk came in, Cheryl took the initiative to take her off the formula. She hasn't been sick since!
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| staring up at me :) |
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| love her hair! |
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| she looks so much like Will!! :) i love my family. |
there were many moments i felt like giving up, but Will pulled me through. the love of my family and friends helped keep my head above water. on Sunday morning, we met with the doctor to find out what the decision was. She told us that they still weren't sure what the cause of the infection had been, but that Audrey's white blood count indicated that her body was no longer fighting anything major. Her bilirubin (jaundice) levels were still high, but not high enough to be concerned. She would be discharged but would have to bring her back for scheduled follow up tests so they could keep an eye on things. We would also need to have the NICU home nurse visit and make sure she was gaining weight. When we left, she weighed 6 lbs. 2 oz. but we're hoping with her new breast milk diet, she will gain weight back quickly.
Audrey was allowed to come home!
I cried tears of happiness, relieved that the nightmare was finally over.
We spent the night in a NICU "hotel" room with her and nurse Cheryl checking in on us every once in a while. The room was far from glamorous but we had a great time and it was nice to have a trial run with our favorite nurse just a phone call away.
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| ready for our sleepover! |
Late Monday afternoon, after a slew of last minute tests and instructions, Will and I loaded our belongings and baby Audrey up in the car and headed to our house. We spent the rest of the night bonding as a family - sitting next to each other staring at our beautiful little girl. She is amazing, with such a personality already. She makes us laugh all the time. She loves Will's beard and has a tickle spot behind her left ear.
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| nap time! |
Today was my first day home with her by myself. Will went back to work and I realized about halfway through the day how lucky I am that Audrey is such a relaxed and easy going baby. She sleeps in 3-4 hour stretches, wakes up and 'tolerates' her diaper being changed, nurses, smiles when I burp her and sticks her arms out like a zombie (hilarious), and falls back to sleep. She loves to snuggle up against mine or Will's chest and hold her Wubbanub.
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| Audrey and her beloved Wubbanub |
Thank you to my cheerleaders -- Will, my dad, Aunt Debbie, Laura, and Will's mom who were there throughout the labor and delivery process. Thank you to everyone who called, sent messages through other family to give to me, sent flowers and outfits from the gift shop (wink wink Grandma Hammersley), and kept us in your thoughts and prayers. Due to her being a preemie and already having her share of health problems, we are not allowed to take her anywhere unless it's necessary (doctor's appointments, etc.) for at least 6 weeks. Of course we would love visitors, just need to be careful since we are headed into flu season.
We love you all! Sorry if this post is all over the place -- never in my wildest dreams did I think that things would turn out the way they did and it still seems like a big blur. Look forward to lots baby pictures and tons of stories from our new adventures as parents!
Love,
Lindsey & Will
