back to the beginning.

a lot of people ask me if/when Will and i will have another child. it's a difficult question to answer... at this point in time, my team of doctors are all recommending that I not get pregnant again. this is not to say that i cannot get pregnant, but if i do, there will be risks. Cholestasis is pretty rare, very serious, and is also reoccurring, so if i were to get pregnant again, there is no telling how much damage a second baby would do to my liver. they would also take the baby a little earlier than Audrey, since she had a lot of complications that came from my liver problems. we would be facing another c-section at 34-35 weeks this time, almost guaranteeing another NICU baby. i just don't know if i could put my body through that again, or my heart. having to watch my tiny girl go through so much during her first week of life still haunts me. don't get me wrong, she is doing amazing now and as each day passes those memories aren't as strong, but to see another one of my children in the NICU would be devastating. over the weekend, my dad put some pictures of Audrey's first few days on a disc for me, so i thought i would share...

in her isolette, being transferred to the NICU

she hated that feeding tube so much

i hated seeing her hand bandaged up from the IV lines. in the bottom right corner is a blanket we received from the NICU support group representative. she was really sweet and wrote a little note to us letting us know that she was informed about "our journey" and wanted to give something to cheer us up.

my dad holding his granddaughter for the first time :)

<3

her hair has gotten so long since this was taken! it was fuzzy and dark when she was born, now it's long and light brown!

snuggling with mama :) her shoulder is out of her shirt so that all the wires and IV lines wouldn't get tangled in the sleeve.

i also found a few outtakes from our wedding pictures that i LOVE!

i swear, most of these outtakes are just me laughing hysterically. it was the happiest day of my life, what can i say?

don't laugh! the photographer told me to "be sultry." so this is me "being sultry" and Will laughing at me because i look silly :)

more laughter. oh, and Will trying to eat my shoulder. typical!

recovering from the last laughing session!

distracted much?

hahahah i dont' even know what's going on here!

okay...i'll be nice, if you be nice!

more laughing, of course :)

hahahahaha no words!!!

looking back to all the emotions that came with getting married that day, i didn't realize how great of a journey we were beginning together. i always knew i wanted to have children, but now actually having a 3 1/2 month old daughter just completely blows me away. who knew that just a year and 2 weeks after we got married we would be tested and come out stronger than ever, bringing our little Audrey into this world. being parents has brought us closer together than ever and i absolutely love parenting with Will. a few nights ago, we both agreed that before Audrey, we felt that something was missing. i was still reeling from the loss of my mother, Will was feeling like he needed to grow up (imagine that! haha). i will be honest, we were struggling in our own separate lives, which caused a struggle in our relationship. i will never forget the morning that i found out that i was pregnant. Will and i were laying in bed talking before we both had to get up for work. i told him i thought i should take a test. i got up, took the test, and it came back positive. we were so incredibly happy. getting ready for work that morning, i think i might have put on my shirt backward and mismatching shoes -- something to that effect because i was just in a daydream. our lives were forever changed in that moment. talking to my grandma at lunch about what it's like to lose a spouse made me realize how devastated i would be if i ever lost Will. i can't imagine what it would be like to go through that. i know how much it hurt to lose my Poppa and my mother, but it's so much harder when that person is the face you woke up to every morning, the one who knew you better than anyone else. i love how Will and i are so amazing together and watching him become, a father has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. we just have so much love between the three of us. it makes my heart soar :)